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Married Sex I'm not going to talk about my married sex life. Oh no. Much as I would like to do so, I have such a high regard for retaining my testicles, that I wouldn't dare. Instead, I'm going to reprint a few choice thoughts about married sex from the Harvard National Lampoon from the late 1970s. They amused me then, when I wasn't married. Now I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Enough of this preamble. I'll ask that rhetorical question asked by every married man, and then get straight into abusing copyright. Is there sex after marriage? The Best Way To Get Your Wife Into Bed Ask for a hand job. Women hate to give hand jobs. They see it as an act of pure drudgery, much like washing windows or scrubbing hard water stains in the toilet bowl. The only thing a hand job is good for, in a woman's mind, is defense against the blow job. from Very Married Sex, National Lampoon, Feb 1979 How To Talk Your Wife Into Performing Oral Sex When it comes to oral sex, the Very Married Woman is a terminal lockjaw case. It takes a clever and persistent man to get her to say aahh! Beg, wheedle, plead, moan groan and whine. It will become a war of wills. You have to play it fine; the object being to have her grab it in disgust and perform the dirty deed to shut you up. Perform cunnilingus. If you can get your head under the covers, up the flannel nightie, between the thighs and connect with the magic button and hold it for twenty seconds, she will go into a sexual overdrive and will have no control over her body or her passions, and you can pull the old switchyard on her and creep and crawl around and flop the hoagie in her face and hope she feels obligated to chomp. Wine and dine and flowers and affection and romance. The object is to endear yourself to her enough so that it will counteract the gag reflex. You must start at least a week in advance. Send flowers with a charming note. Be wonderful around the house. Suppress your anger, your pride, your dignity, and all those things that get in the way of a peaceful relationship. Listen to her, talk to her. At week's end, take her out to dinner, booze a little (not too much or she'll fall asleep in the car). When you get home, take a shower and get in bed. Be nice and give her a warm and sincere kiss. Hopefully, she'll take a little initiative or possibly get into the "I'm the best sex partner in the world" game. Go with it and squirt as quick as you can. The sleep job. This is very tricky and very dangerous. You'll find that after a woman marries, she sleeps with her mouth open and often even snores. Do you get the idea? You slide it in and hope that she's sound asleep. A few drinks or some 'ludes will help. This one is pretty sick, so if she wakes up and catches you, it's grounds for anything she wants. from Very Married Sex, National Lampoon, Feb 1979 The All Purpose Moral Argument I'm only going to live one life, so should I miss the opportunity to commune with another human being? This will enrich my life and my relationship with my wife. It will strengthen the marriage. Many great men have had carnal knowledge of women outside their marriage. Monogamy is unnatural. If my wife won't do something, don't I have a right to seek it elsewhere? What's the big deal? I'm only going to do it once. One time can't hurt me or my family. I am entitled to be weak occasionally... from Very Married Sex, National Lampoon, Feb 1979 Improving the View You can hock your ass and the speedboat, and subject the wife to months of reconstructive facial and body surgery, which will probably leave her too taut to fuck, or you can do what the Slavic peoples have done for centuries - lower your standards. If you change the way you view women, you can fool yourself into thinking your lump of coal is the Koh-i-noor diamond. Steer clear of the upper-end male magazines such as Playboy, Penthouse and Oui, and female books such as Vogue, Harper's and Cosmo. These magazines generally feature women who are the antithesis of what you've probably got, and they talk about things that married women don't do. Studying these magazines will only give your balls some bad angst. Do study Hustler, Gallery magazine's "Girls-Next-Door" contest, Chic, Cheri, and magazines with names like Grunt, Muff Diver, Ass'n'Bush, etc. Their women are more in keeping with the average, and by cultivating a taste along those lines, you'll view the wife in an easier context. Squint when you look at her naked. Squinting erases lumps and bulges and trims about thirty pounds. Peek at her when she's dressing, bathing, sleeping. Maybe a clandestine view will pump up your hormones. Study Rubens paintings. Peter Paul, like you, hung around fat gals, except he thought they were art. from Very Married Sex, National Lampoon, Feb 1979 A Word About Pornography You'll need it. Lots of it. The dirty, filthy, degrading kind. But keep it WELL hidden. Don't discount secret wall panels, trick drawers, holes in the yard, etc., especially if you have teenage boys or a Baptist wife with a housecleaning obsession. Also keep in mind that you could die at any moment, and nothing puts a crimp in a funeral worse than having the bereaved family wonder what kind of sick perverted beast you were under that kind and gentle exterior. from Very Married Sex, National Lampoon, Feb 1979 Fundamental Truths About Women Women would rather kiss than fuck. Women have a sense organ that perceives emotions in much the same way our ears perceive sound waves or our eyes perceive light. They are thus able to detect guilt, for instance, or envy, in the same manner that we can detect an enormous explosion. Two hours of cuddling in front of a fire is more sexually stimulating to a woman than direct clitoral massage with a Swedish handheld vibrator. Nymphomania only occurs in women after their forty-eighth year or eighth month of pregnancy. No matter how bright a woman is, she would still rather have a bracelet than a book. All women think that they are physically attractive to at least some men, and judging by the girls that our friends get married to, they must be right. Women do not envy your penis, except when they go to the bathroom on camping trips. Women can harbour jealous feelings for inanimate things, such as your work, your hobby, or your car. A woman can spend eight hours in a hair salon with six friends and still accuse you of caring more about your friends than you do about her when you spend two hours with your friends at a bar on a Saturday. Women who don't work think that because their husbands get out of the house every day, THEY don't work. Women think that raising children is more difficult than designing a breeder reactor and safe waste disposal system for under $100 million in six months. When a man takes an interest in a woman's body, she accuses him of only taking an interest in her body, but when he doesn't take an interest in her body she accuses him of taking an interest in someone else's body. Women are not revolted by urine, feces, or vomit, but gag at the thought of semen or cigar breath. from Planet of the Living Women, National Lampoon, Feb 1979 Beans and Married Sex When I was younger, I read an article about sex and marriage. The gist of it was that in your first year of marriage, every time you have sex, you put a bean in a large container. After the first year of marriage, every time you have sex, you take a bean out. The beans are supposed to last out your marriage.